surrender to darkness Read online

  All around me, the training sounds still buzzed. I took a step forward, and a hand closed over my shoulder. “What are you doing?”

  By this time, people noticed we’d walked in. I tried to school my face, but I couldn’t stop the anger from rising. Zeke? Zeke who trained for the recognition of it all. Zeke who trained only because he wanted the coveted spot, not because he actually wanted to save the Ravanas’ lives. Zeke who’d brought me nothing but misery since I came here.

  I didn’t trust him. Would never trust him.

  A body moved into view. I worked my way up his dark clothing, and settled on his shadowed face. “Don’t do this here.”

  “Him?” I asked, my body already trembling as just the thought made me want to dispel it as a lie. They couldn’t do this. They couldn’t choose Zeke over me because that would mean… Well, it would mean a bunch of different things. That he had out-trained me at Rajyvik. That he’d outworked me, too. That they thought he was better. It didn’t matter that I’d received the Medal of Valor or was chosen to go out on missions when he hadn’t because when it really mattered most, they thought he was better than me.

  My stomach lurched, but I steeled my fingers into fists.

  I was second. I wouldn’t get the Ravanas placement. I—

  Hands tugged on me from behind and within an instant, we were back out in the hallway again just outside the training room door. A hand waved in front of my face. “Snap out of it, Princess. You look like Nicolai.”

  “Shut up,” a husky voice hissed.

  “Well, it’s true,” Connor said over his shoulder.

  “It’s Zeke she’s pissed about, genius. We should’ve told her in her room.”

  That couldn’t be more obvious. I clenched my jaw together to keep those words in. “Why him?”

  Christian moved into my line of sight, taking a peek at Nicolai before peering into my eyes again. “They didn’t really specify why, just made general comments. Bravery, skill…”

  I shook my head. “He won’t do it. He won’t win.”

  “Ri, they chose him,” Nicolai said from behind his brother.

  “I don’t care if they did. They’re wrong. This is just a job to him.”

  “But it doesn’t really matter, does it?” Christian asked, his voice hardening. “The decision’s already been made, and there’s nothing any of us can do.” He turned and started for the training room entrance again. Over his shoulder, he said, “All we can do is just help them before it’s their turn. Besides, he’ll probably fight last and if we win the next two, we won’t even need him.”

  He didn’t spare me another glance before moving inside again and walking up to Soren to engage him in conversation. I stared two holes straight into his back. Nic walked by and bumped my shoulder. “He’s just so relieved you’re not going in that arena. Don’t take it personally.”

  Right. Don’t take it personally. This was what I was brought here to do! To learn, to train, to beat out Zeke for the spot he thought was his so I could be with my princes. That was my goal from day one.

  Connor slipped his hand around my middle and walked me forward. “Come on. Let’s play nice. You don’t have to work with him. You can just help Lex and Samuel right now,” he said, pointing in their direction.

  I glared at them. Cold betrayal washed over me. Lex was my friend, my mentor, and Samuel, he was who I’d sought to impress from the beginning. He was the one who’d make the decision on my fate, and here he’d already made it. I was second. Still. Always.

  I pushed Connor’s hand away and spun on my heel. “I need a second.” Or a minute. Or forever. What in the hell?

  I walked from the room and then ran down the hallway. Outside, the spectators in this crazy war game were quiet and I wondered if the earlier fight had made this all real for them. There was no celebrating or shouts. It was as quiet as the night should be.

  Footsteps sounded behind me. I slipped down a narrow stone hall that led to a circle-shaped room. There was an exterior door directly on the other side. My hand closed around the latch, but a voice rose up. “Where are you going?”

  I whirled. It was those same piercing eyes that greeted me to this world. The one who took me from my front door. Why had he even bothered if he didn’t believe in me? I wanted to voice all this, but the only thing that would make it from my brain to my throat was “Why?”

  Samuel straightened his shoulders. “You’re a guard-in-training, Ariana. I don’t have to answer to you.”

  My mouth fell open and I laughed. It was a short, harsh sound I didn’t recognize. “A guard-in-training. Of course. That’s what I was when I was kidnapped, what I was when I snuck into the compound to save the guards, including your family, from Dumont’s men. That’s what I was when I went out on a scouting mission and—”

  He crossed his hands over his chest. “Are you questioning my decision?”

  “Yes!” My hands came up in frustration, but I forced them back down again. “You know no one will fight for them better than me. Especially not Zeke. Not him.”

  “Your personal feelings are clouding your judgment. Zeke was, and continues to be, the best guard-in-training we have at Rajyvik.”

  I shook my head, dismissing it for what it was. A lie. “You don’t mean that. When it comes down to them…,” I said, pointing at the space behind Samuel. No doubt they were all there somewhere listening in. “You know I would fight for them harder than anyone else here.”

  “Better than T.J.? Better than Lex?”

  “You know what I mean,” I said, my voice rising. “I have a reason behind the fight. He doesn’t. He never will. Sure, he’s good, but he doesn’t have the passion I have, especially in this situation. No one would fight harder and you know that. You know that.”

  Samuel’s hands lowered and he grabbed his wrist in front of him, a true military stance. “His weapons skills are more advanced than yours. Don’t forget how short your time with us has been. Zeke has been training longer than you have.”

  “Training doesn’t have anything to do with it. What about heart? What about having a purpose? You’ve heard those stories before about soccer moms lifting cars off their kids, right? All you need is will, a good enough reason, and you can do anything. I would never let anything hurt them or their family. If I needed it, I would rise to the occasion. It might be dirty, and raw, but I would do it. To send him in is…” I shook my head. …a mistake.

  Samuel was finished with my outburst though. “To send him in is the decision that Lex and I made. Gregor has already approved them, and there’s nothing more to be said about it. Talking any more about it is hindering what everyone else is trying to do in there. You want to be worthy, you want to ‘rise to the occasion’ as you put it? Get in there and be whatever we need you to be, even if it means sucking up your pride and having to take one on the chin. You said you want to help? That is how you can do it.” He walked forward, his toes millimeters away from mine. “Or maybe I really was wrong about you after all.”

  He glared at me before spinning and exiting the little stone alcove. My shoulders deflated as his steps retreated back down to the training room, back down to where the fights would be won. Competitions weren’t won in the matches themselves, they were won in practices and in training, through the blood and the sweat and the injuries. I’d heard him say that many times before. Him throwing it in my face now was just another blow.

  Tears fell over this time. Shame. Confusion. And still, there was that betrayal rotting in my stomach underneath it all and souring everything. I let myself wallow in it for a few more seconds and then brushed the wetness away from my face as quick as they fell. I breathed out, my cheeks filling and then deflating as I tried to calm myself. I closed my eyes. What had Samuel said that wasn’t true? Zeke was good. I couldn’t deny that. The decision had been made. There was nothing I could change. The only thing left was what I’d intended to do in the first place before I found out who they’d chosen over me. There was more wor
k to do. I couldn’t just sit by. It wasn’t in my nature. Never had been even when I was Ariana Nobody from Calcutta and getting self defense advice from the homeless guy down the street.

  I walked forward and fell back in step with my flanking princes just as seamlessly as when we walked down here the first time. “Is my face red?” I whispered.

  Stephan answered. “A little. You could’ve just been overexerting yourself though.”

  “Yeah,” Connor deadpanned. “Maybe we should get sweaty before we go back in there.”

  Nicolai’s shoulders shook through his barely contained fit of laughter. “Can we just get through tonight?” he asked in exasperation. “You guys are killing me with the emotions all over the place.”

  I heard all this like an outsider. I knew they were doing it for my benefit, but I couldn’t bring myself to be grateful, not when this was one of the biggest fails of my life.

  “For the record—” Christian started.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I finally said. “Let’s just go in there and do this.”

  Without looking back, I moved toward Soren who was working with Lex on takedowns. “Diesel’s a beast,” I heard him say. “He’s big, but he’s also fast. He has the perfect mix of agility and strength that tears through his opponents.”

  “Is that supposed to be a pep talk?” Lex quipped.

  “It’s reality,” Soren said. His eyes moved around the room until they fell on me. His face pinched together as he regarded me, then he waved me forward. “Ariana can be your uke.”

  “Uke?” I asked, confusion stifling the other emotions swirling inside me for the moment.

  “You know, training partner. It’s a Japanese term.” When I lifted my eyebrows, he just shook his head. “You need culture.”

  And more training apparently. I lifted my shoulders. “What do you need me to do?”

  He looked me up and down and then looked Lex up and down. His brows furrowed before he looked over my head, and then back at me. “I’d like to do a takedown evasion drill. Any one of those princes over there any good at…anything?”

  “Nicolai,” Lex immediately answered.

  “He’s helping train his father,” I said, practically interrupting her, not really knowing why other than the fact it bothered me she knew them so well. And also, she’d been a part of the decision that left me on the sidelines. If I wanted to be honest with myself, that was the only reason. “Christian would be better at the moment.”

  Her eyes met mine briefly, and then moved away as she fell back into training stance, testing her balance and working her footwork.

  Soren raised his eyebrows at me, but I only looked back at the group, called out for Christian, and waved him over before Soren explained what he wanted us to do. Basically, he wanted a speed attack drill where both of us would try to take Lex down one after the other and she had to do anything she could to get out of it.

  Soren didn’t bother giving her instructions. After he explained it to us, I just ran at her, putting my all into trying to get her off her feet. At the last second, she stepped out of the way and threw me, her foot out to catch my leg to take me off my feet. I stood quickly and watched as Christian came at her next, using his speed as an advantage. He got to her more quickly, but the result was the same. It was a bit more messy, but Christian ended up on his back as well. Then, it was my turn again. We did it one after the other until I was drenched in sweat and Christian still looked like he stepped off the cover of a magazine.

  Ugh, vampires.

  At the end of the training session, Soren again hit home the different warriors Dumont would be sending in and what their attributes were. They agreed that Dumont’s next likely move would be to put Diesel in the arena and that meant it was Lex’s fight tomorrow. If by chance they put any of the others in, Samuel would be ready. I still couldn’t meet his eye, and purposefully avoided him for the rest of the night.

  If it weren’t for the tiny voice in the back of my head still telling me it wasn’t fair, it would’ve been a productive night. I knew in my heart of hearts Zeke wasn’t the correct choice. It would’ve been better if they’d chosen someone I’d never heard of before. At least I could take the fighter’s abilities and skills at their word. With Zeke, I knew the truth. I didn’t think I was being biased no matter how many times I went over it and over it in my head. It didn’t change the fact they’d made the wrong decision. Ability wasn’t everything, and after what I witnessed of Zeke, I had to question his heart. End of story.

  Chapter Ten

  I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling when the door opened and footsteps came toward me. I didn’t bother looking to see who it was since I could smell his muskiness from here. He sat on the edge of the bed and nudged my leg. “You’ve been quiet.”

  I shrugged, my hands still behind my head as I looked at the ceiling like it would give me all the answers I needed. In fact, the ceiling wasn’t telling me anything, only allowing me to wallow in my spiraling thoughts.

  “Come on,” Nic said. “You can talk to me. Out of everyone, you can talk to me about this. You’re pissed.”

  “You knew I would be.”

  “You would’ve been mad either way even if it wasn’t Zeke. In fact, I was surprised you were taking it so well. I was thinking to myself, ‘Where’s my Ri? Someone’s taken over her body because she should be raging about now.’”

  “Ha. Ha.”

  He slid me toward the opposite edge, and then laid down beside me, his body taking up the full length of the bed where mine fell short. He mimicked my pose, putting his hands behind his head and staring up at the white ceiling. Designs were carved into it, small arches like rainbows without color. Each one grew on top of the other until they reached from one wall to the other. He didn’t wait very long until he asked, “Does this moping help?”

  I squirmed, resisting the urge to look at him. “I’m not moping.”

  “So, what is it you’re doing? Do you see something up there I don’t see?”

  “No, jackass,” I teased, rolling my eyes. “I just see the ceiling. I’m thinking.”

  He blew out a breath. “You can think out loud, and then that way we can talk about it.”

  This time I did look at him. I couldn’t resist the urge to send him a doubtful glare. “Shouldn’t Connor or Stephan be in here then?”

  He turned toward me, propping his head up on his hand. With all sincerity, he said, “I can listen.”

  “Are you going to take offense to that too?”

  He was silent for a while before blowing another breath out. “Okay. Enough. Cut the crap. Let’s just talk this out so you can stop being a brat and we can start doing everything we need to do. You want to get mad? Get mad at me. You want to cry? I’m here. You want to yell? I’m here for that too.”

  I understood why they sent him in now. He was stubborn. He wouldn’t let this go. But it was more than that too. He had the exact type of reaction they were banking on me having. Irrational.

  Well, fine. I was feeling irrational.

  I turned toward him, my face tight, my lips strong as they said, “I am angry. I’m furious. Zeke? Over me?”

  “It’s bullshit.”

  “It is!” I sat up, my hands coming to rest on the comforter between my knees. I gripped the material in my fists. “Utter bullshit! Then Samuel’s trying to tell me Zeke’s better than me. He isn’t. No freaking way. I work my ass off, at least ten times more than him. He wants real life scenarios? I’ve been in real life scenarios. Has Zeke ever tried to scrounge for food, to wonder where they were going to get the next bit of money, or even where they were going to spend the night out of the elements? No. That was me.” I pushed off the bed, standing to my full height and towering down over a still laying Nic. My feet sank into the mattress. “And besides all that, who would fight for you guys more than me?” I held my arms out wide. “Who would die out there? I’m not convinced if it came down to taking one for the team that he wouldn’t back out. He
’s a coward.”

  Nicolai made a beckoning motion with his hands. “Keep going,” he said. “Lay it all out there. He’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve it. What you said to Samuel was right. He doesn’t have the heart.”

  I narrowed my eyes at Nic, wondering if he was doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on me, but I wasn’t sure I actually cared at the moment. I needed to get this out. “It’s not fair. But you know what sucks the most? It’s to think that after this is all said and done, Samuel wasn’t going to choose me to be stationed with you anyway. He was going to choose Zeke all along and there’s nothing I could’ve done.”

  Nicolai’s forehead scrunched up, and he pushed up to lean on his hand. “What? You think this means you wouldn’t have graduated number one?”

  “It’s obvious, isn’t it? These are mirror situations. He has his man, and he’s sticking with him.”

  Nic shook his head. “It’s going to come down to the obstacle course like it always does. You can’t count yourself out.”

  “Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So everyone said, but look what’s happening, Nicolai. I’m not even given the chance. We knew all along Samuel hated that you guys brought me here. I thought he’d gotten over it, thought I’d proved myself, but I was wrong. It was never going to be me.”

  Nicolai’s mouth dropped open a little. His dark eyes stayed locked on mine, but I could tell there was a lot going on behind even though he didn’t speak for several long moments. He squirmed on the bed. “You’re wrong. Samuel does like you. He’s said so many times, has praised you. Don’t let this one decision cancel everything else out. I came in here to bitch and complain with you because even though selfishly I’m happy I won’t have to worry about you in a fight, I know I’d be mad about the decision too. But you’re just plain wrong about Samuel, Ri. This decision isn’t an extension of graduating from The Fort. This isn’t an extension of what people think about you. This is just one decision. And yes, it’s fucked up, but it’s not everything. You are everything.”